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TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it  is.

TEACHER:Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?

CLASS:    Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLEN:K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong

GLEN:Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

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TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking about?

DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

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TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE:  Me!

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TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a  lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘  I.

MILLIE:         I   is..

TEACHER:     No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I  am.’

MILLIE: All right…’I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had  the axe in his hand….

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TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde , your  composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your   brother’s.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE  : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

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TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?

HAROLD:     A teacher

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LAUGHTER  IS THE SOUL’S MEDICINE – -Have a good time the rest of the day!

FOXY LADY: ?Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, ?80′s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), ?searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. ?Matching white shoes and ?belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: ?Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,?and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. ?Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: ?I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. ?If you are the silent type, let’s get together, ?take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: ?Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser ?to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? ?I still like to rock, ?still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. ?If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, ?let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: ?I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. ?If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: ?Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, ?many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. ?Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

Now there’s some people who should write for “What’s Up.”

Is proofreading is a dying art , or is it already dead?  

There’s at least two guaranteed smiles in the following group of headlines run in papers around the country and one in England.  

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Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 

This one was in a local paper recently. The editor was called and asked who wrote it.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.  

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 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

Those experts know everything.    

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 

 Now that’s taking things a bit far! 

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 

What a guy!   

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s! 

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  

See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

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War Dims Hope for Peace 

I can see where it might have that effect!  

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 If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 

 Ya think?! 

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought! 

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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something! 

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? 

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 

He probably IS the battery charge! 

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 

 Weren’t they fat enough?! 

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 

That’s what he gets for eating those beans! 

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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 Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall! 

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And the winner is….  

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right? 

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Now that you’ve smiled at least twice, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

Tell your friends to click on:http://www.whatsupinsealbeach.com/local_news/headlines-we-should-have-run/

What is wrong with the people who emigrate to the United States?  Why can’t they speak our language like we do?  As Henry Higgins said in My Fair Lady…”why can’t they be more like us?”

If you agree with me that English is easy— then please help me with some of the following which I’m having difficulty explaining to some of my relatives who have moved  to the United States.

 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.  2)  The farm was used to produce  produce .  3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more  refuse. 4)  We must polish  the Polish  furniture.  5)  He could lead if he  would get the lead  out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it  was time  to present  the present . 8)  A bass was painted  on the head of the bass  drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the  bushes. 10) I did not  object to the  object.  11)  The insurance was  invalid for the  invalid.  12)  There was a row  among the oarsmen about how to row . 13) They  were too close to  the door to close  it.  14) The buck  does funny things when the does are present. 15) A  seamstress and a  sewer fell down into a sewer line.  16) To help  with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.  17)  The wind was too  strong to wind the  sail.  18) Upon seeing the  tear in the painting I shed a tear.  19)  I had to subject  the subject to a  series of tests.  20) How can I intimate this to my  most intimate  friend?

 Let’s face it English is a difficult language to master.  There is no egg in eggplant, nor  ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English  for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the  plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it  seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Let’s  face it – English is a crazy language.  You can ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  We have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which,of course, is not a race at all . Why is it that when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.  

PS. – Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with  ’quick’

What is wrong with the immigrants….not much.  Bless ‘em for keeping on trying to understand us.

Check out the video here:

http://videos.komando.com/2009/06/18/african-thunderstorm/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zavkj1eC4ks 

I guess, technically, it really was an auction but that’s not descriptive enough.  Maybe a gala, an affair, a pageant, a real “to-do”, a moveable feast or, as my Dad might have called it,  a “heck of a shindig” ….had he been allowed in, which is doubtful.

When Christie’s held the soiree of soirees to unload  (pardon me “offer”) the effects of the life long partnership of Yves St. Laurent and Pierre Berge, at the Grand Palais exhibition space, it was a six day affair that was attended by more than 30,000 people. In addition there were over 10 auctioneers taking non-stop phone call bids for six days. St. Laurent, of course, died last year and my guess is that he and Pierre had pre-ordained the auction of what they had collected over their 50 years.

To have a successful gathering in Paris it was considered essential to have Yves St. Laurent in attendance.  Yves made this one through his collection.

The 10 page spread in the July edition of Architectural Digest is something to behold, especially if you are in-between jobs or on short rations, so-to-speak. I freely admit that my knowledge in the world of art is lacking. Without using a lot of cliché’s trying to support my ignorance (“I know what I like”, etc.) I confess that my admiration is usually limited to  saying ….”that cost how much?”

Well this collection is something you have to see to believe. Over 6 world records were set for art works and there must have been 50 set for furniture. Those of you who are true aficionados will revel in it and those who don’t know anymore than I do will share my astonishment.

The magazine spread displayed many of the items sold with a tag of what room they’d been in at St. Laurent’s digs.  The first page displayed 12 items of furniture and some bric-a-brac that sold for a little over $53 million. I liked a wooden sculpture that resembled a large nut cracker but I thought that $37 million was too much.  I wouldn’t have paid a penny over $35 million. There also were some lack luster jugs that sold for about $130,000 that  didn’t impress me but there was another pair of jugs that looked a lot nicer and went just under $3,000,000.  I think at that price they are called a “brace of vases”….with a long “Aaaaaa.”

The second and third pages were identified as “The Grand Salon 1976” but the total here was a paltry  $32 million. Admittedly that didn’t include whatever was paid for some partially empty liquor bottles but it did include an old leather chair that went for $28 million! ( I’m almost sure I saw its twin at a Belmont Shore garage sale just before Christmas.)  I did like the four nice wooden chairs that were a bargain, I guess, at $132,000, and also a very nice piece of wooden statuary of a pregnant pelican. I know, I know,  pelicans don’t get pregnant .. but I don’t think the artist knew.   Anyway it was only $774,000.

When I got to the fourth and fifth pages, “The Grand Salon 2008” I finally saw something I recognized….(see I’m not totally a tyro)  A Matisse that sold for $10 million and a de Chirico for $14,233,226.  Imagine adding twenty six dollars to a $14 million dollar bid to win? That called “chutzpah.”

I thought one of the highlights of the auction happened before it began by Mr. Berge, apparently he  is not only an unique collector but a businessman with a great knack for negotiation. Prior to the sale a dispute had unfolded over two Qing dynasty bronze animal heads, a rabbit and a rat, originally looted from an imperial palace in China by British soldiers in 1860 (who else?) but purchased legally. China had demanded their return, but a French court ruled the evening before the sale that the auction of the heads could proceed as scheduled.

The issue had become a heated one in China, stirring nationalist indignation. Mr. Berge countered that the heads belonged to him, saying, however, he would gladly give them to China if Beijing would “observe human rights and give liberty to the Tibetan people and welcome the Dalai Lama.”    The heads were sold.

I know Yves was a brilliant and creative man but some of these things must  have been purchased when he was in one of his drug induced hazes. Of course that would  then that beg the question, what about the bidders this year who were willing to pay more than  St. Laurent did when they bought these things.

Which begs the next question….what the heck do I know?

The grand total of the sale was almost one half a billion dollars!  Perhaps not enough to help GM or AIG but certainly a wonderful contribution for “”Research on Aids” and a host of other charities created by St. Laurent and Berge.

A most noble gesture by two true “Renaissance Princes.”

Go to:http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/world/2009/0224/1224241708940.html  Or:

http://themoment.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/02/23/hammer-time-yves-saint-laurent-and-pierre-berges-art-collection/

Or:
http://www.forbes.com/2009/03/02/christies-auction-sabotage-lifestyle-collecting_chinese_sculptures.html

Or :

www.architecturaldigest.com <http://www.architecturaldigest.com>
(July issue of  Architectural Digest was not on line as of Tuesday , June 9, 2009)